Katchoo and Hopey should totally hang out (or would they end up killing each other?):

In which I spent way too much time thinking about comic books
(oh yeah, Spoilers galore)

My secret is that when I feel sad or wistful I like to walk around town at 2 or 3 am, playing all the instrumentals off the Sid and Nancy soundtrack on my ipod and pretend my life is movie and this is a short period of darkness which will be adequately expressed with ten minutes of exposition and flashback.
Because I’m bored and sick and basically completely boring, I have spent my free time this week, since my store is closed for renovations, reading comic books, listening to The Clash and The National, drinking myself into a Diet Coke coma, trying to figure out how to open a beer without a bottle opener, venturing out once to play cards on the balcony and wishing that had some better talent than writing. The rhetorical “they” like to say that its hard to live with a writer, but they never say anything about how much it really does suck to be a writer, or at least someone with a writer’s temperament. I want to go out and do things, I want to be part of groups, but I always fall into the background to observe and mentally record events for my abysmal future memoirs or whatever novel I’m working on that week. I don’t become interesting until at least midnight, when even without anything to drink or whatnot, my tongue becomes looser and my wit flows easier. It’s quite an odd little phenomenon actually, they should study me.
And then my insomnia keeps me up days on end and my demons force me to stay up ad write the days when I feel I can sleep and I become a wreck, sleeping through entire weekends. Writing is isolating, it just isn’t something that you can do easily in a crowd, it’s something that pulls me deep into myself and leaves me alone with empty words, writing about adventures that I will never have, because I will never put myself out there. It draws me deeper into my obsessions and depressions and makes me realize how fucked up I really am.
And maybe that’s not all writers.
We did this thing in writing class this week, where we all made lists of why we like to write and everyone’s was basically saying that it gives them excuses for antisocial behaviours. But god, I really wish sometimes that my brain was my own and I could do things when I wanted, rather than scheduling everything around unstable periods of inspiration. That I could sleep at night and live during the day. But I’ve tried and I fucking can’t. The trouble though is, I have to make up things to write about, because I’ve never done anything interesting. Instead, I find myself coming back to a certain type of tough, adventurous, fiercely independent character, who man or woman, is consumed by unrequited love. And I am never sure if I want to date them or if I want to be them.
Two examples, and two very similar characters that I’ve come across lately in my forays into the land of graphic novels, are Katina “Katchoo” Choovanski from Strangers in Paradise, by Terry Moore and Esperanza Leticia “Hopey” Glass from Jaime Hernandez’s side of Love and Rockets. And there is a ridiculous amount of similarities between the two of them. Though a lot of who they are is composed of negative characteristics, unexplored pain and anger, they both share a certain self assuredness and aggression that allows them to run their own lives and integrate themselves into the environment wherever they go through easy rapport and flirtation skills and doggedly protect the girl they love even when they don’t know what to do themselves.
Style wise at least, I’ve become a lot more like Katchoo as I’ve grown older (which is odd if you knew me as a kid in frilly pink princess dresses), that whole bedraggled, rock star who woke up on the floor after a rough night, and fumbled around to find something semi clean to wear thing, is the only place I can be right now, though it isn’t completely the way I dress at the moment, in all my little fears about being noticed, completing with my fears of fading away. It reminds me of the description of Lux Lisbon that I became so infatuated with; that she was the most naked person wearing clothes, shirts half untucked and full of holes, frayed hems, sleeves falling down her shoulders and socks drooping, just like it was impossible for her to keep all the pieces together and in place because her mind was so far away.
For Hopey though, clothes followed through on her antagonism, marking her as defiant and other. The character, part of the punk subculture in 1980s California, is defined best by what she hates. In a panel where each of the main Locas girls states their favourite member of the three stooges, Hopey’s answer is that she hates Joe. It also shows her as stubbornly and purposefully different even from her closest friends.
And one of the things she seeks to defy in her appearance is gender norms. Like Katchoo, she wears distressed jeans, leather jackets, sneakers and boots and left to her own devices, tuxedos for formal occasions. But unlike, Katchoo, her dress more about rebellion than simple indifference. She wear concert t-shirts for real and in story punk bands, ripped jean vests, a long overcoat and gets her hair cut at barber shops, going through periods with several difffernet extreme punk hair styles, most elaborately, as a teenaged wall tagger, a shaved head except for a small lock of hair. But rather than being completely Butch, she wears dresses (something that Katchoo refuses to do), elaborate 50s skirted ones or thrift store skirts, that she pairs with her short spiked masculine hair. She is also described as having mean eyebrows, which further shows her antagonism.



Locas or Hoppers 13, published in Love and Rockets, by Jaime Hernandez:
(I should note here that I have only read the first volume, 700 or so pages, entitled Locas, so things that happen or change in the second volume aren’t acknowledged)
In the 1980s, Huerta, California, known to locals as Hoppers 13, is a town with its own underground world of punk rock. It’s a world of youth, mostly Mexican American, marked by borrowed records, bands that constantly change their names, fake IDs, stints at strip clubs, police raids, open houses where people hang out for certain periods and are known to buy drugs, which places the story specifically within a set time and place. Hoppers as a setting is so integral to the story because it brings the main characters together into a claustrophobic, incestuous little community where everyone knows each other and occasionally hates each other, but due to proximity, still has to coexist and share windfall or lodgings. At the story’s beginning, most of the main characters are underage and there are very realistic moments of the gang waiting around outside the store for someone who can buy beer and running into each other as they walk by. But at the same time as waiting for someone willing to buy for them, they have also all gravitated there as a place to get information and find out what is going on in their little world. Similarly, is a section where a character travels around town looking for a record that he lent to someone, who lent to someone else, and managed to travel around through most of the main characters. These scenes remind me of summers, spent waiting around on people’s front porches or at convenience stores for something interesting to happen, and they are part of what makes the series seem real and relatable. Many sections like this have a slice of life style, put together in short segments told with different styles or perspectives, as well as long arcs of many chapters. One of Hernandez’s strengths is his seamless transitions between past and present, which allows him to flesh out how the characters have grown and changed throughout their lives and how they have changed Hoppers, as well as how it has changed them as they move from their teens into their forties.
This is the backdrop where two punk girls, best friends and occasional lovers, Margarita Luisa “Maggie” Chascarrillo and Esperanza Leticia “Hopey” Glass come of age and wander around, occasionally with purpose, but usually aimlessly, between adventures and friends who will let them sleep on their floors or couches. They are so much a pair that everyone refers to them as twins, doubles or as a couple and when one of them goes out alone, they are met with a constant barrage of questions about where the other is.
Early on in the story’s run, the stories were full of Sci-Fi elements with dinosaurs and superheroes and Maggie and Rand Race, her idol and early crush, being prosolar mechanics who fix rocket ships. As the series went on, these elements disappeared, but remained in pieces where they couldn’t be easily removed without changing a character, such as billionaire Herv Costigan’s horns and infrequent references to Rand Race as a prosolar mechanic, which explanation that that means rocket ships. However, of the two most fanciful arcs, one, the initial Mechanics storyline, is told through Maggie’s letters home to Hopey while away on a job and the other, Maggie Vs. Maniakk, is a story told by Maggie during a gathering, supposedly a memory, which means that they could be explained as stories made up to amuse her friends.
The story further challenges gender roles (as noted above in the character of Hopey) through Maggie’s initial profession as mechanic. Maggie’s low self-confidence is further shown through her inability to reconcile herself with a job she sees as traditionally masculine, even though other characters encourage her and reassure her of her talents. Unlike Hopey, who often has too much self confidence and alienates people, Maggie lets herself be convinced to do things and often falls into doing whatever’s easiest and less transgressive, rather than what she really wants to do or feels is right. Her relationship with Hopey, allows her to come out of her shell a bit and find her place in Hoppers’ punk rock underground. She is also easily affected by what other people think, running Hopey, who can blend more easily, off when some men make fun of her for being Mexican, and very sensitive about her weight, guilt over her parents’ divorce and whether she looks punk enough. Though she won’t define her sexuality and avoids any questions that come her way, Hopey only dates girls and has a certain mastery at picking them up. She sleeps with different women over the series run when she is bored, lonely or needs a place to stay and got herself pregnant when she got drunk and slept with a man (though she miscarries).
Maggie, however, has always liked men except for Hopey and while she isn’t afraid of revealing it, she has never concretely defined herself either.
The series chronicles Maggie and Hopey’s years together and their long years apart on various adventures or jobs, usually focusing on Maggie as the main character. There is also a lot of focus on female wrestlers, through Maggie’s aunt Vicki Glori and friend Rena Titanon who are integral to different parts of the plot and catalysts for certain journeys that Maggie goes on as is her own difficulties with her aging. Hopey’s adventures are generally brought upon by her membership in different bands and touring, as an indie punk band is portrayed in an enticing manner, as a group of friends fighting and breaking up and sleeping in the car when they can’t afford a motel.
Other important characters are Ray Dominquez, Maggie’s boyfriend of two years, an artist who never really gets over her and Daffy Matsumo, a well off, Asian American girl a lot younger than the rest of the group, who desperately wants to feel like she belongs in the group. Izzy Ortiz Ruebens, an older woman who acts as a sort of godmother to the younger girls and who had a mental breakdown during a trip to Mexico following a divorce and abortion, that left her unstable and easily obsessed with certain missions, such as the flies on her ceiling and finding out what happened to Hopey and Maggie when they disappear. Terry Downe is Hopey’s ex-girlfriend who is very jealous of Maggie and possessive of Hopey. She was Hopey’s guide into the punk scenes and played a role in shaping her identity, initially telling Hopey that if she ran way with her she would kill her if she touched anyone else (as Terry herself was told when she was younger and in Hopey’s position). However, as she grew up and their relationship progressed, Hopey became the dominant partner, threatening Terry and having her own ideas about things they could do, such as getting revenge and the people who were mean to her in school. Hopey still manages to be friendly to Terry Downe, who takes most of her anger out on passive aggressive towards Maggie and does try during their tour to get Hopey to stay in touch with Maggie. Terry is also a talented musician who longs for a band who takes music seriously and practices, unlike her initial band with Hopey. She is initially set up as a villain, but stories such as Tear it Up, Terry Downe, create sympathy for her and make her more of a complete character with her own worries. Beatriz Garcia, initially nicknamed Penny Tentiary, “because she’s so crazy” goes by Penny Century because Maggie misheard the nickname and Penny liked it. Penny is beautiful, frequently naked, eccentric, and her dearest wish is to be a superhero. She marries Herv Costigan but is never fully happy though she does care about him.
Locas is initially ran in Love and Rockets, an anthology series written by brothers Gilbert (who writes the Palomar side) and Jaime (who writes the Locas side) Hernandez (and occasionally brother Mario), from 1982-1996. It was a notable part of the 1980s underground comics movement.



Strangers in Paradise, by Terry Moore:
In high school, Katina “Katchoo” Choovanski, a rebellious girl from a poor family who left her house through the window rather than the door and wore a leather jacket each day, met Francine Peters, a quiet middle class girl who was afraid to break rules and whose most embarrassing moment was flashing the whole school in the senior play. Instantly, Katchoo knew it was love, Francine however, thought she’d just found her best friend. However, before anything could really be defined, Katchoo ran away from home to escape her abusive stepfather and indifferent mother and left Francine to navigate her way to adulthood alone (and off panel), a path which involved expulsion from college for an incident involving a nude statue of herself erected on the quad.
Years later, the girls, in their early 20s, are living in a rented house in Houston and their relationship hasn’t changed. Still shy and lacking self confidence, Francine is an office worker who dates men who seem to only seem want her for sex and has many very short and unsatisfying relationships. At the story’s beginning, she has been dating Freddie Femur, a lawyer, for a year and afraid he will break up with her after they have sex, has been making him wait. Katchoo, now a painter and a recovering alcoholic, spends her time dreaming about Francine and agonizing about her past, involving an L.A. call girl operation, the mafia and eight hundred thousand dollars of mob money stolen from her former lover, the power and vindictive Darcy Parker who marks everything she “owns” including Katchoo, with a lily emblem. She worries that her past will find her on day and feels as if she is living on borrowed time, as evidenced by her habit of breaking alarm clocks and her dreams wherein she fears waking up. Quickly her worst fears come true and the characters are swept up into multiple crime story arcs involving a presidential election, a plane crash, shady business deals, FBI investigations and an ambulance bombing plot (that is never resolved), among other things.
While the crime storylines are interesting and frequently addictive, the real heart of SiP is the relationship between Francine and Katchoo, that is forever hovering somewhere between being friends and being lovers. Although they go back and forth so many times that it gets a little frustrating, this might be because the characters are written so well that they seem real and the reader becomes emotionally invested in their relationship and cheering them forward. Katchoo, though she does not initially identify as a lesbian, hates men and even as a call girl, had only women clients. Francine, however, has always had a picture in her head of marrying a man, having children and settling down with him and cannot reconcile her feelings for Katchoo with her idea of who she is supposed to be. Through the years of the story, they kiss several times and come close to having sex, but are thwarted time and time again by Francine’s fears and Katchoo’s growing impatience with Francine’s indecision, which grows into stubborn denial that Francine will ever make and stick to a decision. They go through long periods of separation involving Katchoo’s forced involvement with Darcy Parker’s companies and Francine’s “dream marriage” to a doctor, which ultimately fails and brings her back to Katchoo for the last time.
Complicating matters is David Qin, an art student who quickly becomes infatuated with Katchoo, who her verbal abuse and pronouncement that she doesn’t like men, cannot scare away. Francine is jealous and Katchoo isn’t sure how she feels about David, wondering if she loves him and if wants a relationship with him, despite her up to this point, singular attraction to Francine. Moore got a lot of flack for David and Katchoo’s relationship, particularly from LGBT groups, but to his credit, David always accepted that for Katchoo, Francine would always come first and he resolved that he wanted to spend his life with her, even if it was only in a platonic relationship. Eventually, after Katchoo has a revelation that even sex with Darcy, who she hates, is better than with David who she loves, she realizes she is only attracted to women and David becomes more like a brother figure to her (although when he discovers he is dying of a brain tumor, they decide to have sex to conceive a child to keep a part of him around). Like Katchoo, David has a shady past, as Darcy Parker’s brother and son of a power member of the Yakuza, who found religion after murdering a man.
Another important character is Mary Beth “Tambi” Baker, Katchoo’s long lost half sister who is militant, scheming and built like a body builder. As the story goes one, Tambi develops a soft spot for her younger sister and becomes more humanized, but never loses her edge and her quickness to threaten and fight, something which Katchoo shares to a lesser degree. Early on she is indistinguishable from her twin sister Bambi, who resents Katchoo for getting in the way of their plans through her relationship with Darcy but Tambi becomes a clear ally and eventually a member of the tight knit family the main characters form. Casey Bullocks Femur is a bubbly and warm-hearted personal trainer who tries to solve any problems that come her way through plastic surgery, and enters the story upon her marriage to Francine’s ex, Freddie who still harbors an obsession with Francine. Loveable and loyal Casey is compared to a puppy and is always trying to bring people together, but her plans are usually flawed. After her divorce from Freddie, Casey becomes close friends with the group, falling for David and at different periods, Katchoo and Francine, when estranged form each other, consider her their best friend.
SiP is comprised of three volumes, beginning with a three issue miniseries, then volume two, the series and ends with the new series, volume three. It was mostly self-published by writer/artist Terry Moore and ran from 1993 to 2007. It differs from Locas in that the plot unfolds in less of a day-to-day observational manner and has more of a linear structure (except for a three issue high school miniseries and infrequent flashbacks). Time and place are less important and never really determine the story. When they are referenced, it is typically through the characters’ musical tastes: Katchoo listened to Van Halen and Pink Floyd in high school, later on Francine listens to Todd Rundgren and feels nostalgic, and early in the story, David, Francine and Katchoo like Bjork and Tori Amos. However, that Katchoo likes John Lennon and Elvis doesn’t really say anything about age or time period as they have become more ubiquitous likes.
Katchoo is more of the main character of the story, though the story is more equally split between Francine and Katchoo them than Locas is with Maggie and Hopey. Her love for Francine is portrayed as more agonizing and consuming, but this might be because SiP focuses more on her and lets the reader into her head through diary entries, poems, narration and her silent gestures and expressions, through which Moore is able to convey so much.

And there are so many easy comparisons to be made between the two characters.

Katchoo and Hopey:
Both characters are confident and self assured and have a certain quality that draws people to them eve when they try to push them away, easily developing a rapport with the people they meet no matter who they are. They have a subversive, argumentative, punky edge, wear leather jackets, get in fights and are drawn to revenge and protecting their loved ones. When angry, they quickly explode into violence, fighting and yelling and they get angry easily and are both stubborn about giving in, but they are much softer than their tough front makes them seem. Though they can get almost any girl they want easily, they are both fixated on one girl, Maggie/Francine, no matter how much time passes between the last time they saw her. They both use sarcastic banter with good-natured insults to Maggie/Francine and trade inside jokes and nicknames. While Maggie and Francine work various jobs they aren’t always happy with, Hopey and Katchoo subsist mainly through art, that doesn’t always make them money. Hopey starts out living on an inheritance that quickly dwindles out, leaving her to survive on meager means, staying at people’s houses, taking a wallet from a man after pretending she was a call girl, but mainly she is a member of punk bands, playing the bass badly. Gradually she grows up and matures, becoming stable as gets older and can no longer fit into her young, defiant, nihilistic role and the punk subculture. Hopey gets an assistant teacher job. Katchoo throughout the series handles obscene amounts of money in her involvements with Darcy Parker’s company, but always seems to lose it and be left with nothing but their stolen eight hundred thousand that she refuses to use until there’s an emergency (and eventually uses to buy a house with Francine). While she begins not making a lot of money from her paintings, with various gallery shows, she eventually becomes a fairly famous artist and as she matures and becomes more stable and less angry, believing she is too old for anger and fantasizing about Francine, she gets serious about her art and starts Studio Katchoo, her own studio where she trains artists. Oddly, though they were originally the troubled one, Katchoo and Hopey grew up mostly unscathed, leaving Maggie and Francine as a the troubled, unhappy ones who needed someone to help them.

Maggie and Francine:
Both Maggie and Francine, turn to food when they have problems and put on weight easily, which makes them even more self conscious than they were initially, but Katchoo/Hopey doesn’t care and loves Maggie/Francine anyway, even with perfect bodied Casey/Penny around (when Katchoo sleeps with Casey it isn’t because of her appearance, more because of loneliness and being tired of Francine’s pattern of constantly accepting her and rejecting her for years on end). Maggie and Francine dress and act more feminine and both have low self confidence related to their work and successes, needing Katchoo/Hopey to build her up and bring her out of her shell. Both pairs are treated as and even called a couple, by outsiders. While Hopey and Maggie actually have sex while never being a real couple, Katchoo and Francine kiss, but while they come close to going further, Francine is always to afraid to go further until the end of the story when they end up together. However, while Francine has to struggle with her sexuality before reconciling her love for Katchoo, Maggie is able to have a sexual relationship with Hopey without defining herself. Neither can fully define themselves as queer because of expectations placed on them: when Katchoo becomes a threat to Francine’s marriage, Francine’s mother, Mary becomes hostile towards her, likewise, Maggie’s aunt Vicki has to lie to Maggie’s mother and tell her that she is still living with her rather than Hopey because of Hopey’s sexuality. Maggie remarks that she wasn’t able to join in a threesome with Hopey and Mary Christmas because she has been with Ray for so long she’s gotten used to “normal sex” something which offends Hopey in a manner reminiscent of Katchoo’s initial reaction to Francine calling the thought of moving forward to sexual activity a “bad dream” she has awoken from. But where Katchoo blows up at Francine and rips apart the kitchen in her temper before crying, Hopey gets angry, but tries to put it behind her because she knows it is a manifestation of Maggie’s love confidence. They both also have divorces from men and flashback dreams when older, about being younger and making different decisions: Francine, when trying to decide whether to marry Brad, imagines that she and Katchoo got together in high school or that they do many years into the future if the marriage is the wrong choice, Maggie, after being slapped by an old woman for being a home wrecker/whore, imagines that it has all been a dream and she is waking up when Hopey left to go on tour the first time, this time taking her with her.

Courtship:
The best moments of their courtship, as young, Romeo-like figures are the silent gestures. In high school, Katchoo deduces, that girls in their gym class hit Francine while playing volleyball and goes in, ruthlessly taking them down and then accepting the punishment and taunts about her sexuality from her ex-boyfriend in long sequence without saying a word. There is also a great panel where she stands outside Francine’s house, the wind blowing her hair and her jacket around her and watches Francine’s happy family having dinner, full of love and envy. Young Hopey, out with Maggie, carves something in the wet cement that the reader doesn’t see at the moment, telling Maggie it doesn’t matter and she can see it later. The story moves back to present day and reveals that Hopey wrote Hopey Loves Maggot (Maggie’s nickname used primarily by Hopey). This is particularity significant because Hopey isn’t one to easily confess her feelings. When they’d first met, both Hopey and Katchoo also go stand out at Maggie/Francine’s window and speak with her. Between Francine and Katchoo this becomes a ritual and a clear attempt at courtship, as Katchoo tells her she’s noticed her at play rehearsal and thinks she is beautiful. She also kisses her hand before she leaves, clumsily running into the sprinklers outside. Moore even make’s one of Katchoo’s speak bubbles into a heart. My favourite moment in SiP is the section where Katchoo dreams she in the guise of Prince Charming makes a sleeping Francine/Snow White with a kiss and convinces Francine to be with her even though she is a woman, arguing love and logic and winning. However, she wakes up crying.

“Talents”:
Katchoo was the highest priced call girl in Beverly Hills because she “could do things” and her talents have after one night sleeping together, have left Veronica obsessed with her and made her Darcy’s favourite. Hopey has “a tongue faster than Muhammad Ali and sweeter than Dolly Parton, when they were 20”, and while staying with aging actress Nan Tucker, who hires prostitutes to pretend to be little girls, she goes down on one of them to shut her up, the other little girls are in awe and say things like “has Jenny the Jet finally met her match?” Throughout their stories, both show that they are good at attracting attention from both sexes and are good at picking up women. They also have no qualms about modesty or sexual restrictions and share a similar, slim, boyish body type. Hopey exchanges sex or the promise of sex so she has a place to stay- with Terry, Maya, Jewel, Mary Christmas, etc. Katchoo stays with Darcy as her live-in girlfriend and later Margie McCoy offers Francine and Katchoo an apartment because of her crush on Katchoo (which goes nowhere)

Separations:
Both pairs have a long spanning on/off relationships marked by long separations: Katchoo runs away to LA in high school, Katchoo goes to Canada to be with her ex-girlfriend Emma while she’s dying of AIDS, Katchoo goes to LA to find David, after the plane crash Katchoo leaves for a year to work for Tambi, running the company with her innate business acumens from an isolated house where she falls back into drinking and self destruction, Katchoo and Francine separate for a long time after Francine’s wedding to Brad. Hopey leaves Maggie to go on tour and is ultimately gone for 2 years, they have a fight and Hopey hangs around on the east coast for a while, not seeing Maggie until many years later, when they are arrested together.

I feel like writing something. the only problem is i'm dead

You're Gonna Wake Up One Morning and Know What Side of the Bed You've Been Lying On

"Well, I'm going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs, and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided."- Lisa Simpson

Hey there, have a seat. I'll buy you a drink. Oh and, get comfortable, this is a long one.

Okay, so there was this famous punk shirt that Sex used to sell in the 70s. Entitled, You're Gonna Wake Up One Morning and Know Which Side of the Bed You've Been Lying On!, it was list of things, loves and hates of the early days of the English punk scene (not to be confused with the New York punk scene) and was designed by Sex Pistols manager and Svengali Malcolm McLaren, along with future Clash manger Bernie Rhodes and was designed to polarize, attacking pop culture and government.

It included hating such things as: rich boys dressed as poor boys, dirty books that aren’t really all that dirty, the suburbs and all those fucking saints

and as loves: Coffee bars that sell whiskey under the counter and "Kutie Jones and his Sex Pistols".

I was thinking about that a lot lately and I was bored, so then I tried to make my own list, but it came out as more of an individual manifest of turn ons and turn offs. In my continuing quest to be more bold and open and yes, to stop being so timid about sharing the things I think about and the things I like, I decided to put it up here. If someone I know ends up reading this, well hi, let's talk in real life. If someone I don't know stumbled upon this post? Congrats, you already know me better than 90 percent of the people I actually know.

Loves:

Vanilla soft serve, old rock music, yelling at the TV, self checkout, ties, boots, taxis, hotel rooms, reinventing yourself for a vacation, take-off on an airplane, ASL for CN tower, when people give you a book and write a message on the inside cover, balconies, staring out the window, army green, black, scarlet, gore, girls with boyish voices, Tom Wait’s voice, notebooks, collages, hors de oeuvres and appetizers, driving around with all the windows open, air guitar, swing sets, undone bowties, playlists, cult hits, half tucked shirts, snow, going to the opera for 20 bucks, slow claps, milk duds, finding a picture in a used book, 24 hour restaurants, when people do the peace sign the wrong way and don’t know they’re basically flipping people off (bonus if they do this in Britain), 70s/80s punk music, how I love you in German sounds like a threat, all day breakfast, the way adults talk in Charlie Brown, cityscapes, footnotes, stores with cooking supplies that look like guitars or microphones, etc and make me want to buy them, forgetting that I can’t cook and don’t enjoy doing it more than once or twice a year, loud motorcycles, Black Canary, Transformer (the album), Heartattack and Vine, Blood Money, muscle cars, directors who let actors improv or keep in takes where they drop things or trip, the blues, expressionists, train wreck self-destructive people who fall out of society and have to be handled specially, like Hunter S. Thompson, also the idea of Hunter S. Thompson typing out the entire Great Gatsby, people who are open to going out at the last minute and having adventures, random questions like what superpower would you want or who would play you in a movie (a young Shirley Maclaine), when you ask someone who would play them in the movie of their life and they have a prepared answer that is completely perfect, Punk’s interviews with Lou Reed- hey, you’re just sitting here at the bar and we’re going to start a magazine, we’re going to interview you, okay?- and the Ramones- you like comic books? You’re the same age as us? Awesome!, the fact that Neil Gaiman named one of his kids after the transvestite in a Lou Reed song, the fact that Francine and Katchoo did get a happy ending instead of ten pointless years apart, metronomes, pictures of the things on creative people’s desks or bookshelves, the smell of gasoline, music that feels like soundtrack for a road trip through a desert, 50s girl groups, amusing typos, twitter feeds made for fictional characters, how sometimes something is so cold that when you drink that it feels like your insides are freezing, the thesaurus, how if Monty Python needed a women in a sketch, they’d just dress up like old ladies, audio books read by the author, passive aggressive notes, Tom Waits, Bebe Buell, Prozac Nation, Chuck Klosterman, Patti Smith, Diane Keaton, Cary Grant, Audrey Hepburn, Katherine Hepburn, Marilyn Monroe, Truman Capote, bittersweet endings, distressed things, imagining how my room would look painted scarlet, Peter Beagle, how horoscopes are never accurate but we always seem to try and make them work (“Oh it says you will move into a new place sometime this month, I moved my shoe rack- that counts right?”), David and Amy Sedaris, actress turned singers or model turned actresses, my random fantasy of moving to a tropical island and spending my days on the beach drinking and writing and then driving around in cherry red 50s convertibles, leather couches, playing cards, the wall graffiti in the bathroom stall closest to the door in the ladies room at Chapters Rideau, Mia Farrow, Katherine Hepburn and Audrey Hepburn’s voices, guys with stubble, bolo ties with collared shirts, girls in menswear, Diet Coke, Holly Golightly (in the book), gum, going to exhibits on a famous writer or artist and seeing their notebook pages which remind me of my own, quotes about writing by writers that make it sound like demonic possession, people who draw awesome pictures on desks, when you find a paper on the street that says something really profound, that heartbeat of music before you’re supposed to sing, Shirley Maclaine, leather biker jackets, Amber Heard, Jensen Ackles, red lipstick, memoirs, men’s button down shirts, high heels, black flats, hearing someone somewhere in the house playing guitar, lying in bed knowing someone is cooking you breakfast, vinyl snobbery, how 60s coats had patterned lining, parmesan cheese, editing other people’s papers (who wants to pay me to do this?), staying up all night writing and then waking up and pretending I’m some hard drinking noir detective and some dame in red satin just wandered into my office, press passes, wine glasses, humourous essay collections, Jason Segal, Erin Cressida Wilson, neon colours, Joss Whedon, David Bowie,Vanity Fair, Bust, Nylon, The Believer, big belts, earrings, that look that I can’t pull off, where you wear multiple necklaces, Lush products, cotton candy, dish soap that moisturizes, fans, when famous people or important exhibits come to Toronto and I am always shocked because for some reason I think Toronto is some sort of backwater, spell check, dream decoders, secret code and mood rings, fiction that puts elements of sci-fi or fantasy in an otherwise normal world, album covers, paper fans, Edie Sedgwick, Caravaggio, Greek statues, Harley Quinn, perfume, opening lines to novels, pez dispensers, my heart shaped birthmark, The Simpsons, penguins, black lingerie, shrimp, people who wear Buddy Holly glasses and know they are Buddy Holly glasses not Rivers Cuomo glasses, people who don’t disparage my Diet Coke habit, rocket popsicles, baking, when actors on a TV show or in a movie reference roles they played in the past, paradoxes, finding designer purses at vintage shops and getting them for less than ten dollars, mysteries that begin with a dead girl, reading the love letters of famous writers (unless they are James Joyce), Cracked photoplasty contests, headbands, bottle caps, smartphones, fingerless gloves, swivel chairs, Starbucks seasonal candy cane coffee, cassette tapes (I don’t know why), audience participation movies, Sid and Nancy, Marla Singer, graphic novels and people who read them, people who wear giant headphones, people who actually write in diaries (a group that as much as I’ve tried does not include me, however, I have many diaries with one page that says I plan on committing to this diary), hardwood floors, people who know how to fill silences, Wes Anderson, oral biography, biopics that end with the main character committing suicide, being murdered or overdosing, black and white polka dots, pink and white vertical stripes, universal monsters, people who can do impressions, Woody Allen, David Lynch, Tim Burton, Helena Bonham Carter, characters in movies that have those little silver pistols they hide in their over the knee boots, the idea of backpacking, jeans that look like they’ve traveled the world or been through the shredder, those green lamps they have in libraries in movies, Greek myths, zebra print, herringbone, Russian novelists, almost anything tropical flavoured, iconic hairstyles, that feeling when you feel like you understand something completely and know where it fits in history or pop culture, even if you can’t explain it, female protagonists who kick ass (other than Buffy because I hate her. Love the show, hate the character. Also love Spike and Drusilla), wool booties, red and black plaid, things that are cake batter scented, eyelash curlers because they look like alien torture devices, when you buy something and get free gifts, winged eyeliner, knowing you have everything you could ever need in your purse, lying around listening to music and thinking about dead rock stars, lying around imaging what it would be like to give up everything and go travel the world on a little boat where I could sit out in a navy watch cap writing in a little notebook and rocking as storms raged around me, bubble bath, silk robes, urban legends and people who insist on believing in urban legends, the tales of horror and abuse behind the scenes of famous movies and TV, those weird little big headed button eyed dolls that are popping up everywhere, band t-shirts (though I don’t have any, because none of them are v-necked and I can’t wear shirts with regular necks), alternating between starlet sunglasses and ones that make me feel like a mechanic, sushi, spicy food, streets with random girl's names or streets in Ottawa that completely work if you read them with rue in front- like Rue Bank Street, hair bows, how as kids we all used to draw chalk outlines of each other, good parodies, ring tones that sound like ring tones instead of flavour of the moment songs or screaming babies, the sound a mac makes when starting up, little dresses, black and white photography, the fact that Bridesmaids showed that a female fronted comedy can be successful, the ending of Anna Karenina which seems like the aftermath of the happily ever after of a romance built on danger and lust you get in most books, concert posters, when movies put characters in a school with uniforms and they have little skirts and knee socks, Marianne Faithfull, the ridiculousness of 60s movies, writing bad self indulgent poetry, sunshine yellow, dressing tables and three sided mirrors, Chuck Palahniuk, beat poets, road trips with no specific deadlines, old medical drawings, baroque wallpaper, chaise lounges, writers’ colonies, French pop music, rain boots, cities, popcorn, things that are sun bleached, novelty coins, how British pounds look like medals, sitting on the front of double decker buses and feel like you’re running over everyone who crosses the street, campfires, white cheddar, milk chocolate, sneakers, old fashioned TVs, kidney shaped pools, round toed heels, miniatures, used book stores, the graffiti tag everywhere in Italy that said “God save the Hot Boys”, British comedy, so bad its good, snark, Christopher Lee, pixar, garlic, noir films, white wall tires, strawberries, mangoes, people who leave Christmas lights up all year, people who model themselves after fictional characters, how 80s movies all had theme songs and were all about dancing or prostitution, checklists, globes, novelty banks and alarm clocks, reading about true crimes, 80s action heroes, Bogie, magazines that write long articles about old movies or conspiracy theories, rather than purely topical things, boardwalks, taking long walks at night, camping, bulletin boards, unpacking purchases after a day shopping, pop culture theories used to explain real life, bass lines, liner notes, dynamic people who speak up in class but didn’t take over the conversation and also win speech contests, philosophical tangents, movies that break the 4^th wall or in comics (Joker), Ikea, shopping, but only when I have money, Friday the 13^th (the day), séances, free days at museums, swearing, the shade names of makeup, nail polish and hair dye, paints, bar debates, bands that have at least ten songs about random girls, arcades, air hockey, walking down the street and at night and hearing live music, killing Sims characters, patterned band aids, how nearly every character in a Russian novel has a name ending in –sky, The Lorax, Maurice Sendak, the history of vices, leaning back in my chair and not dying, the fact that we have calculators, people with cool accents, people who remember to give back the pen they borrowed, fines, washing counters, illegal downloads, neon lights, aviator glasses, the Greyhound, the house on Old Sunset Boulevard, Camden Market, Kensington Market, Byward Market, Gia, short hair in that awkward growing out phase, multiple pierced ears, black nail polish, white cotton sheets, bagels, blue cheese, Twin Peaks, cynicism, kitsch, the olive drab army jacket, black peacoat and tight black jeans I have always wanted but never found in a store, gym clothes, scowling, dressing gowns, traveling, those people in my program who are really obsessed with journalism and being professional, audio commentary, strip clubs, straying behind a few minutes on a tour so I could stand alone on the stage of the Toronto Opera house and look out at the empty theatre imagining it filled, fiction where historical figures come into the modern world, drinking games, Chinese buffet, the word ergo, the word myriad, lying in tall grass braiding it, lying in a tent in the morning listening the birds outside, sometimes bowling, darts, getting dressed up, anthropomorphized animals, emotions and abstract conditions, detectives, curmudgeons, people who are slightly unhinged, stories about strategizing and battle campaigns for old wars, HBO and Showtime, Italian pastry, egg bread, Lisbeth Salander, Harley Quinn, Lux Lisbon, yoga, Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass, haunted walks, horror stories, writing without a page limit, black and grey morality, free verse, all you can eat sushi, nudity, the idea that if you ever find yourself in another world, don’t eat the food or you will have to stay there, the idea that if you double cross your allies with the idea that the other side will reward you, the other side will invariably still see you an enemy or untrustworthy, footage of storms, demolitions or space, thinking about living on another planet, Strunk and White, travel guides and travelogues, exploring ruins, blazers, horror movies that don’t feel the need to delve into long back stories for monsters or curses likewise, most pilots and origin stories, swimming, the fact that I’m actually pretty good at mimicking how certain people sing (but not how they talk), texting with my blackberry’s keyboard, how people look in movies after they’ve been through a battle and are bruised, in ripped clothes and covered in dirt and blood, the idea of being in a hotel room with floor to ceiling glass windows high above a city at night but no one knowing where I am, wrought iron, chandeliers, pockets, a kind of seedy faded glamour aesthetic, as if you or the place you are used to be aristocratic and have fallen on hard times but still want to remind everyone where you came from, gardens (but not gardening), staying up all night on a porch talking and drinking, when you overhear someone’s secret, thank you cards, rotary dial phones, Felix the cat clocks, sixties skirts and dresses, poets who write about the night and carry around leather notebooks, large mirrors that cover entire walls, strawberry tea, oatmeal, cloche hats, men that wear newsboy caps, coins crushed by trains, jodhpurs as fashion, patent leather, ugly dolls, long 20s pearl knots, cookie jars, little cosmetic cases, bats, Milly the millstone, post secret, when a musical has an ingénue character so there is a good song for my range, those miniature toiletries they have at hotels, the way ballerinas dress of duty, how Marianne Faithfull dressed in the 60s, Moe Tucker’s singing in After Hours, how the word standoffish sounds so fake, Charles Burn’s drawings of people, how Terry Moore sexualizes his characters in his sketches, the fact that my sister really wants to go to Snoqualmie, Washington to visit the filming locations for Twin Peaks, Sarah Joncas’s paintings for forlorn girls looking out windows or just lying around looking forlorn, the marshmallows in Lucky Charms, in fiction, where people call someone “the kid”, shaggy bangs, gingerbread houses, singing bluesy bar standards originally sung by men, girls who wear too much eye makeup, when girls sing songs originally sung by men and don’t change the pronouns, coffee table books, theatre programs, John Waters characters with big hair, Robert De Niro, Joe Pesci, Steve Buschemi, how girls in 40s/50s girl's colleges took the train up to visit their boyfriends at Harvard or Yale, wearing camel hair coats, Zooey reading Buddy’s letter in the bath, Buddy Glass in general, particularly how he doesn’t own a telephone, long pendants, art galleries with gold frames, spiral staircases, low voices, carousel horses, people who can just sit somewhere quietly for hours sketching, when I sing for someone for the first time, microwave cookery, candy corn, a house feeling like it is alive with people, stirrup pants, parties where wait staff circulate with trays of drinks and hors de oeuvres, fake syrup, moss, sepia tones, firecrackers, people who can pull off wearing hats, 50s inspired maillots, record players, scenes in movies where characters wake up and do morning routines, take taxis home the morning after or put on makeup, Leslie Knope, Ron Swanson, Agent Cooper, clogs, cartoon musicals, eggs left runny, Scholastic book orders, Arthur Read, pyramids and relationship charts, sitting under willow trees, rewatching things from my childhood, watching movies just to mock them (particularly to tell the characters to kiss each other), walking through the woods, zoos, the fact that when I was really little, I used to think that characters kissed in movies to get candy out of each other’s mouths, people who have favourite voice actors, Batman, Batman the animated series, hermits, anti-heroes, the idea of being a revolutionary hiding out underground, pausing a movie when the actors are midsentence or are chewing so their expressions look crazy, people who have a sense of humour about themselves, when a bad movie at least makes a good soundtrack possible, minifridges, band names, how long I can obsess over a certain expression, glance or shot from a movie, people who name their kids after obscure heroes or villains, when characters make speeches about the responsibilities of a hero which deprive them of certain things the villains can enjoy or sympathetic villains who understand that it is only right if they are deprived or die and seem to clearly understand the role they were cast in, when gum keeps its flavour for a long time, people who surround themselves with books, contemplative statues, men with craggy faces or who are otherwise interesting to look at, those Dos Equis commercials with The Most Interesting Man In the World, Oscar Wilde quotes, Mark Twain, fireplaces with mantelpieces so you can put a portrait over them, when people think something common knowledge is a secret, how the internet is a bottomless pool of fun facts, conference attendee packages, when people say my last name right, bobby hats, the 30 or so odd coincidences that happen to me every day, planning to buy something and finally going to buy it and seeing it on sale, people who like old movies and music, adults who are really like big kids, running down empty aisles with a grocery cart when the store is open late, that powerful night feeling when you are awake and know everyone else is asleep and the world belongs to you, Flowers of Evil, when you are the only person out on the street and pretend the world ended and you are the last one left, toy soldiers, interviewing bands and reviewing movies, night-blooming plants, playing night games in giant empty fields with a flashlight, Crush with Eyeliner, Belle & Sebastian, the opening sentence of The Bell Jar, How Holden Caulfield says, that just kills me, Rankin-Bass puppet Christmas specials, De Daumier- Smith’s Blue Period, Lisa Simpson, the word Smitten, Veronica Schanoes’ story, Rats, The Clash, The New York Dolls, the Ramones, Daria, The Critic, Futurama, the scenes at The Algonquin round table, Max’s, the Factory and American expatriates in Paris in the 20s as described in A Moveable Feast, running and pretending someone is chasing you, lead singers who are shy people in real life, but once they get on stage they explode in sex and chemistry and become someone else, portmanteaus, this line about Marilyn Monroe- She was not a loner, but she was alone, night swimming and polar bear swims, androgyny, clumsiness, soda in glass bottles, the name Sodapop, Sydney Carton’s redemption at the end of A Tale of Two Cities, people who are overly self assured and done up but let you mock them, how in A Hard Day’s Night, Ringo says they’re mod rockers- mockers, unsung heroes, how searching for the American dream always ends with jail or being shot by hillbillies, Christina Ricci, Anton Yelchin, Edie getting her hair cut and dyed on the fire escape, The Pink Room on the Fire Walk with Me soundtrack, the theme to The Shining, Bernard Hermann, Angelo Badalamenti, imagining my screenplays, Marilyn Monroe reading Ulysses, jump starts for stories, when beautiful people also turn out to be intelligent, photographs of people reading, watching TV online, people with insatiable dreams, checkers, the way chess pieces look but not the game, being in my room and hearing bells chime the hour outside, driving around when it has just rained and the roads are all wet and reflective, so it looks like the light is everywhere and the air is cool and thick, laughing jags, the noises typewriters make, my far reaching tastes in music, Tom Sawyer hatching a complicated plan to break Jim out because it’d be more of an adventure, when the whole time he was free anyway, the idea that Nancy Spungen bragged to people that AC/DC wanted to set her on fire and throw her out a window and she was game but they chickened out, does your mother know what Bad Company you’ve been keeping?, the idea that Malcolm McLaren’s concept when he tried to define punk in England was to be stark and opposite of stadium bands with groupies drugs- the idea was celibacy and abstinence as a statement- because that clearly worked out well, the fact that Nancy Spungen, Courtney Love and I have all had episodes where we were sure there were imaginary bugs and rats, the fact that I created the Marty McFly complex on Urban Dictionary and it was word of the day and gained thousands of views- meaning I coined a phrase people other than me use, Jake and Amir, Very Mary Kate, that Dexter and I both drink Starbucks White Chocolate Mochas, episodes of Supernatural where they abandon an arc plot about angels and do things like a Christmas special, a black and white monster movie or a parody of sitcoms, the fact that I am sure that everyone who goes to Philadelphia runs through the city and then up the steps of the art museum hearing the Rocky theme in their heads, cookie dough, the Runaways, Patti Smith’s Edie Sedgwick and Marianne Faithfull poems, nerds, watching cars drive by at night, shaky cam, tongue in cheek, royal gala apples, people who completely misunderstand the point of a song, Sylvia Plath, making commentaries in the margins of my class notes, people who understand my references and non sequiturs, people who think on their feet and respond with wit, the word off-kilter, the word wry, pub food, how Belle & Sebastian songs talk about a girl named Lisa being depressed, the fact that having ennui makes me feel like an artist, thinking about what kind of tattoo I want to get, writing about characters that feel real and feeling like a puppet master because I can make them do whatever I want (dance puppet dance!), the Old Spaghetti Factory, convertibles, the fact that the Halton Catholic school board is on Drury Lane, ergo, the director is the muffin man, clothing with cool textures, leather gloves, the fact that I’m not afraid of needles anymore, wondering who I know could be a replicant, people who don’t get pissed off if I’m a few minutes late, walking out after finishing an exam, Briticisms, the satisfaction of finishing an article and sending it in, anticipation for real cub reporting where we’ll have to get up at 3 am and go cover a breaking story, new music that sounds old, biker chains as jewelry, when my dad and I went to the Imax theatre to see each of the Lord of the Rings movies, trade paperbacks, songs where people go mad trying to figure out the meanings, but turn out to be just nonsense on purpose, the whole Paul is Dead thing, that so many books I like were first excepts or stories in Playboy or The New Yorker, fanboys and girls, conspiracy theorists, people who read too much into everything, the way old school rockers swagger, anything described as tough and tender, candy hearts with insults instead of love notes, paper lanterns, lilac, white roses, knee socks, translucent stockings with seams down the back, Swiss dotted dresses, 50s wedding dresses, diners, chrome, the aqua-ish colour of paint on some old cars, the word smut, people who read sitting on bar stools, the word lousy, Hampstead Heath, how Elvis used to be seen as dangerous, that wet eyed look people get after crying, something with good cinematography, e4 Skins, the fact that we all really thought Y2K was going to happen, disguises, mary janes and saddle shoes, little dogs who think they’re great danes, the fact that French fries aren’t French and hamburgers aren’t American, The Last Unicorn, people who (unlike me) can sit still for more than five minutes and don’t mind my constant interruptions and twitches, surfacing from a writing trance and realizing how good the stuff I got was, music that makes you feel like you’ve been alone suffering on the road through this long journey but the end is in sight and you’ll be welcomed back when you surface, my red flat iron, this painting of a strawberry I bought 3 years ago on impulse, my engineer boots, the boots some of the people wear in Camden Lock, the fact that the tube has a stop called Chalk Farm, the fact that fancy restaurants in Greece have blue lights to discourage junkies, imagining sexy telegraphs, just being able to walk by parliament on any given day when it used to be a long tourist trip, songs that tell stories, remembering that everyone was young once, when old photos pop up to embarrass people, long guitar solos that seem to sing, when people look disheveled and like they woke up on the floor, dazed expressions, tilt a whirls or teacup rides, a king who tires of his kingdom, a magician who becomes a man, when I find a sentence unusually profound and cannot understand why other people don’t understand what I see in it, Clara Bow’s lips, a cinematic entrance in real life.

Hates:

People with whiny voices, that I look weird wearing hats, movies with cheap lighting, silences, cinnamon scents, people who give simple words to much power, pro-lifers, rain, parade crowds, hot drinks in summer, steak and plain meat, censorship and moral guardians, infantilization of pop culture, movies/tv shows with interchangeable leads, books about animals, the fact that I can’t whistle or snap, Charles Dickens, Jane Austen, CP style, news quizzes, people who talk about how hard it is to find jeans in their size, dress pants, postcard fiction, basic running shoes, the fact that I have tried to read The Possessed at least 3 times and then lost it, tomatoes and mushrooms on pizza, peas, memoirs that aren’t at least a little self deprecating, the fact that at some point after I finish J-school, I’m going to have to be one of those vipers on the lawn pestering a grieving family for quotes, Eat, Pray, Love, people who spell women as womyn, long nails, people who say, ”I’m not a feminist or anything but…”, sexism, homophobia, biphobia, the suburbs, silent movies, people with novelty answering machine messages, “no offense but”, people who move too slow, businesses that close at 5, people who are really vague about the things they like and don’t like and just say whatever or that they like all music, volleyball, people who listen to recordings of opera or organ music, that spell-check doesn’t recognize Canadian spelling and thinks I misspell my own last name, remakes of 80s movies, waiting, that I bite my nails, insomnia, fuchsia, brown, magenta and orange, catching up, Freud, traffic, telemarketers, haiku, the bureaucracy involved in a name change, hypocrisy, baked beans, weather reports, easily broken umbrellas, modern movie posters, wearing “just enough make-up that no one can tell you’re wearing make-up”, gossip magazines, people who don’t wash their hands, people who wear those taco shaped cowboy hats, tight necked shirts, how everyone else in Canada calls soda, pop, how American shows like HIMYM see Canada as an acceptable target for mocking that has really passed the point of being good natured, giving directions, phone calls, having to pretend I’m interested in someone’s wedding or new baby, false modesty, underestimating the tone of a situation, forgetting my sunglasses, the fact that I cannot sleep without taking something, genocide, Americanization, when teachers pick your groups for assignments, the fact that I do really like the feeling you get when you haven’t eat for 2 days, that spinning rainbow circle on macs, geoblocking, plain walls, orienteering, being intrigued by the facebook status of someone then realizing I haven’t spoken to them in years, 90s teen fashion, Kesha, Christian rock, guys who wear pants hung low to show their boxers, backwards baseball caps or upside down visors, vodka straight, men with girls names, name meanings, pipe organ, the fact that I spent much of my childhood reading about the lives of saints because they all died in crazy ways, wetsuits, that I really wish I could do twitter, but 1. No one cares what I have to say and 2. I don’t have the patience to update and 3. I don’t have anything interesting to say, movies with predictable twist endings, people who predict the end of movies, offering entire meals at movies theatres, Farmville, slow cookers, giving presentations, people who instead of swearing substitute words like fudge or sugar, getting accosted or told to go to hell by homeless people, dirty snow, the incredible amount of William and Kate memorabilia around here (such as giant gingerbread man and condoms), insipid romantic comedies, the way the wife or girlfriend characters act in movies and TV, knitting or crochet, the dentist, getting my haircut, reality TV, 3 quarter length sleeves, books of lists, giving directions, making excuses, reading something a friend wrote and trying to pretend it’s good if it's not, buzzing lights, cartoon character underwear, the fact that you can buy Justin bieber / miley cyrus /high school musical, etc everything including nail polish and paint, the fact that everyone is so sure that if there are aliens, they’re more advanced than us, waiting for the bus, people who leave the tab up on the shower so water goes everywhere when you turn on the tap to test the water, doing the dishes, reading on the bus, alarms, starting something and not knowing where its going, putting something down and forgetting where it is, lemon scented soap or detergent, rubber gloves, people who write women as judgmental shrews, the impossibility of most adventure stories where the characters set off one day with a cloak and a small bundles with food, likewise how impractical it is today to run away with the circus, vegetable juices, judgmental doctors, dentists/hair dressers/doctors who make small talk and ask random questions about school, new cars, dummies books, how every piece of technological equipment I own seems to break as soon as I buy it, pop-up ads, inspirational sayings, Matthew McConaughey, Katherine Heigl, people who don’t understand that I am content to watch people play video games or do karaoke and don’t need to join in, people working in stores who ask you what you're looking for as soon as you walk in, people who order for you at a restaurant or insist you get the house specialty, blue pens, new flight attendant uniforms, unimaginative newspaper headlines or headlines that make easy puns on someone’s name, prostitots, people asking for donations who do not give up when you say you have no money, the way my hair can get impossibly tangled walking from the house to the car, the way my mom randomly claps or cheers during speeches when no one else does, people who go on and on about how much you used to love something that now embarrasses you, people who think graphic novels, horror/exploitation movies or TV in general are brainless and not worth their time and look down on you for liking them, people who refuse to watch something because its black and white and/or has subtitles, can openers, glue sticks, job applications that ask you to write essays about your experience at Tim Horton’s or whatever, getting older and realizing there are too many paradoxes for time travel to be possible, the name Jon, glasses, how its always the people who can’t sing who feel comfortable enough to sing along with the radio, eating outside when there are bugs trying to walk through your salad, people don’t give cards with gifts, pink lipstick, people who lose a game and throw the board in the air, losing something you had a weird feeling you were going to win, never winning roll up the rim, businesses that don’t update their websites, nepotism, bibliographies, bagpipes any day but remembrance day, cod-liver oil, people whose default expression upon meeting you is a scowl instead of a smile, when subtitles leave out words, roller coasters that take your picture, Ferris wheels that rock, people jumping out from behind bushes or couches or whatnot, wet sand, that weird feeling whenever you’re packing that you forgot something even when you are sure you didn’t, the way that if I stay up talking with someone late enough I eventually start saying things like, “The dog is dreaming the whole world” or “how do I know that my eyes are really blue, what if what you see as blue is really what I see as red?”, The way when given a napkin, paper cut or paper plate, if left to sit holding it long enough, I will make confetti, people who care about the oxford comma, self-help books, low ponytails, magazines with more ads that content, coasters, magazines for adults that put teeny boppers on their covers, the way I randomly start using a british accent midsentence around certain people, the fact that I can’t draw, extra sharp earring backs, people who read subtext as main text, forgetting to tip and feeling like a bad human being, my name, slow walkers, cooking, baby powder, never being able to get that last little bit out of a bottle, drawings of cartoon characters fucking, people who walk out of movies, the feeling that someone is looking at what you are reading over your shoulder, trying to explain to my parents how the DVD player works, the random music selection on ice cream trucks, people who act like why is a stupid question, people who talk impossibly slow, the fact that our decade does not have an easy short form like the ‘80s or the ‘90s, clothing stores who don’t have mirrors in their stalls and ask your name when you come to try something on, then call you by your name (“How are things going in there, Liz? Do you need a different size or anything?”), the way packages of men’s t-shirts are so cheap, people who button their shirts the whole way to their neck (unless they’re at work), floor length skirts, people (who aren’t british) who say self consciously naughty things like calling cigarettes fags, or cats pussies, unibrows, Teen Vogue’s obsession with the children of movie stars and fashion designers, how people with the money to buy designer clothes are celebrated for having a great sense of style, bare bones movie releases, Pepsi, temporary tattoos, cleaning my room, fruit flies, tanning beds, how camera phones make it so easy to record embarrassing behaviour (unless its someone else’s), lightweights, clicking on a link that causes a pop-up ad with topless girls to pop-up when people are watching you and think you are looking at porn, the way people act like girls aren’t allows to have dessert, Catholicism, double spacing, Dan Brown, Sarah Palin, Elizabeth Hasselbeck, Ann Coulter, Fox News, The Cleveland Show, people who act like not liking a certain person who happens to be a minority means you dislike everyone who is that minority, waking up on the floor, zoning out and realizing you missed everything the prof said over the last hour, TV/movies/books that don’t give answers to all the mysteries they introduced, when good movies go straight to video but bad ones go to theatres, author existence failure, the cancellation of so many good shows, among them Pushing Daisies, Freaks and Geeks, etc., people who reference their own work with smugness, older women who call their female friends their girlfriends, people who stop liking something because it became popular, going to the dollar store and realizing everything costs $1.25 now, uniform sweaters, how girls' clothing never has pockets, getting suckered in by a 2 for 1 deal (or something) and realizing you didn’t actually want to buy anything, you just did because it was a deal, having to carry other people's stuff when they don’t have purses (because I use mine like a security blanket), being the person who didn’t realize it was a fancy dress or costume party (or worse, the opposite), when people warn you that a book/movie is dark, people you don’t know who talk to you on the bus and want to know your life story, realizing you like something shameful, realizing no one got the references you just made and you now have to explain, the fact that I spent most of the 3^rd, 4^th and 5^th grade hoping I’d get a letter from Hogwarts, the fact that Jurassic Park resulted in a whole bunch of people dying, so will never be a viable business opportunity, the fact that more money was spent making a movies about the titanic than was spent building the titanic, the fact that a pair of stockings will always run the first time you wear them, having to solve for X, how my high school told us that you could get AIDS from kissing and that being gay is fine unless you act on it, not realizing a joke has worn out its welcome, music that starts too slows, how incredibly creepy it is when you learn that someone you know already has a tombstone in a cemetery because they split it with a dead spouse, receiving family Christmas letters, people who act like they’re the only ones who understood the meaning in movie/book, when people try to take your picture to commemorate ordinary moments like ordering dinner or tripping on the sidewalk, when I walk up at 2pm and get texts from people who have already had entire days before I woke up, the fact that Saturday Night at the movies now only seems to play films made after 1980, people who act like they are personal friends with a celebrity because they once took their picture at TIFF, the fact that I love free stuff so much that I will take almost anything regardless of whether or not I will ever use it (such as random T-shirts with charity logos on them), people whose names are purposely misspelled, people who act like a girl is only allowed to like fruity cocktails, the fact that I spend way too much time thinking about what people with scores of tattoos will look like when they get old, forgetting people’s birthdays, when you feel like you can’t throw something away because you might want it later, trying to write when you are wearing a bracelet, the whole sad clown irony thing, girls who watch the Watchmen movie and fall in love with Rorschach, people who think everything is ironic or do things with the purpose of being ironic, even if it really isn’t (wearing a Winnie the Pooh shirt isn’t ironic unless you are an axe murderer who sees Winnie as a kindred spirit), girls who won’t watch a movie unless there are hot guys in it and guys who won’t watch a movie unless there are hot girls, the fact that we don’t have clones to do our chores and schoolwork, people who think not liking the Beatles or something makes them a rebel, when they stick children into action or horror movies (unless they are the villains), people who act like bad grammar personally offends them, girls who are overly mean to guys who ask them out (like: “How dare you think I could ever like you”), Girl Guide sandwich cookies, the fact that I have friends who think that gay men who are obviously a couple are “cute” but lesbian couples shouldn’t be affectionate in public, the fact that when I find a site I like I check it obsessively, that moment when you finish everything in a particular franchise- all the books, all the movies, etc. and want more but know there isn’t anything short of fan fiction or tattoos, the fact that HBO or Showtime has not made a Strangers in Paradise or Sandman TV show yet, development hell, most newspaper comics where the punch line makes you want to actually punch someone, when you learn an awesome word or fact and cannot find a way to work it into a conversation, realizing people are talking about you, the faces I make when I sing, when you realize that a cat is staring at you, novelty slippers, the double negative, how you can’t tell if a text or email is sarcastic, when you hear that something awesome is going on and then realize its in New York or London, the fact that as a Canadian I can’t just decide to movie to either New York or London, the fact that the Harry Potter movies hire John Cleese but did not really use him, glamping (glamour camping), when you realize you like something you really should hate, the fact that you cannot like vampire or werewolf movies or myths without people thinking you like Twilight, when you find out everyone you know is bilingual and you’re not, the fact there are so many random things about being an adult that no one explains to you, the fact that there are guys with longer eyelashes than me or fuller lips, beards, how as Chuck Palahniuk writes in Fight Club, you can go to work with black eyes etc. and no one will mention it as we’ve all been taught to remain at a distance, how people call a happy meal toy a boy’s toy or a girl’s toy, resort vacations, making small talk with people you hate, people who spend ridiculous amounts of money to go places and then act like they were forced to be there, how I yawn like I’m a hungry lion, people who insist that because you like a certain thing you must like this other thing and if you don’t that you can’t really call yourself a fan of the first thing, how I am invariably going to spill something on myself if I eat out, servers who get your order wrong and are then rude about it, pants with writing across the ass, call and response songs, how scary it is that Little Edie reminds me of me, plays that interact with the audience, how headache and flu medication is so expensive, how every interesting place has either become a tourist trap or been torn down, people who say they like something only because people say that only smart people like it and then need to constantly say they like it to prove they are intelligent (“Oh, and by the way I like Arrested Development. See I’m smarter than you.”), people who talk on the phone during a movie, when you are too lazy to get up and change the channel so are stuck watching some random shit, how everyone complains about changes to Facebook and then forgets about them a week later, that I only seem to walk heavily at night, how I can’t seem to stop laughing like a crazy person once I get started or keep a straight face when playing a trick on someone (I would be a terrible spy), that we don’t use cool old metal keys anymore, this phrase from the back of my Pushing Daises Season 2 DVD, Jockey Cum Waitress, how Rose McGowan says the word cocksucker, nostalgia for things that people didn’t actually like at the time, people who deliberate over which shade of white to paint their walls, Mrs. Dalloway, pajama jeans, men in skinny jeans, golf, taxi drivers who make small talk except in the rare moments when I am actually in the mood, when people are late for an interview, journalists who refuse to state their political allegiances, the tired plot device in TV shows/movies/books where character writes the story of what happened to them in the show/movie/book, how my sister’s teacher told her class that Holden’s brother D.B. was actually a prostitute, instead of Holden being metaphorical about D.B. being a screenwriter, people who don’t understand that Holden Caulfield had a mental breakdown, the version of the Merchant of Venice we had to watch in the 9^th grade where you can see a skidoo and the CN tower in the background, when I learn words from reading them, years before I hear them in conversation and then don’t know how they’re pronounced so look like I don’t know the words (Cha-chos, Nose-feratu), spam emails about Viagra, restaurants that aren’t French that put Bon Appetit on their menus, tribute bands, protective plastic, radio DJs, splitting a restaurant bill with a group you don’t know very well, how I can never finish a bag of lettuce before it goes bad, creationists, texting someone with a personal message and then getting a text saying, “who is this?”, the fact that I get at least 2 phone calls a month asking for someone named Monica, the time my high school science teacher made every answer on a true or false test true so everyone did badly because now of us believed every answer could be true, people who act like having kids is the only possible option, people who don’t say please or thank you or hold open doors, the fact that I talk so quietly that I often have to repeat myself several times even if it was just a random comment that was only relevant at the exact moment I said it (Like: look at that bird, or help me, I'm going to drop this), my own stubborn desire to be right, motorcycles that look like dirt bikes unless you actually dirt bike, guys with ponytails unless they are metal heads or 18^th century princes who stumbled into a time loop, getting caught in the rain without an umbrella, this one skirt I have that I somehow keep wearing (maybe because it has pockets), that blows up when its even a little windy, when you are sick but go to school anyway because there’s a test you can’t miss or something and everyone tells you that you should go home, people who kill in the name of religion, bureaucracy within charities, people who name their kids after twilight or something, the fact that Disney didn’t end the Little Mermaid with Ariel committing suicide instead of killing the prince, the fact that the myth of the munchkin hanging in the background in the Wizard of Oz, the fact that Andie ended up with James Spader instead of Duckie in Pretty in Pink, the fact that Anthony Michael Hall’s character was the only one uncoupled at the end of the Breakfast Club, drivers who disregard the walk sign and nearly murder you, the fact that I was so gullible as a kid that I actually believed the Never-ending Story was never ending because my sister rewound the tape every time I left the room, the fact that I used to be so afraid of vampires as a kid that I slept with cloves of garlic by my bed and on my window sill, when High School Musical or Miley Cyrus et al. things are marketed to people over the age of 11, the fact that I own at least 15 Shirley Temple movies on VHS from when I was six or so, the fact that itunes keeps making albums so that you have to buy the entire thing rather than a few tracks, the fact that it is easier to find a terrible cover of a song on Youtube than the actual song, the fact that people’s true selves come out when anonymous on the internet, old shows that aren’t on DVD, the fact that even film students mock Canadian movies and say things like “that was pretty good for a Canadian movie”, even when we want to make our own movies which would get the same treatment, when you’re really depressed and people tell you to just be happy or cheer up, when people say they’re depressed when they just mean they feeling a little sad because the store didn’t have the book they needed, when you go to the movie theatre and see a trailer and then realize you would rather see that movie than the one you’re at, pro ana and mia sites, how much of a prude I was as a kid, bullies, being forced to give my seat on the bus to pregnant women who aren’t even showing yet or even random 30 year old men who act entitled to it and tap their feet impatiently, when a movie starts out with a fascinating premise and ends with either: it was aliens or the main character was crazy the whole time, waiting rooms, citations, people who go to a foreign country and order hamburgers or want to go to MacDonald’s (unless its to revel over the fact that European MacDonald’s serve beer), older people who take college classes and act like because they are older, they automatically know more about the topic that everyone else, including the teacher, how Blackberrys call 911 if you press a button accidentally, people who put empty boxes back in the fridge, movie speeches where everyone starts to clap one by one and completely changes their minds by the end, not knowing what to say to a text message but knowing you have to respond because they can tell you read it, Cosmopolitan magazine, stores with low lighting and high concept designs like Abercrombie and Fitch and Hollister and the people who wear their clothes and act like it makes them laidback, the word Broseph, audience plant questions, fake enthusiasm, people who don’t read, people who call braids pigtails, big dogs, yuppies, people who throw away their pizza crusts, cube cars, the fact that I am so incredibly secretive about my romantic relationships, how like Moe the bartender, I have read the entire Sweet Valley High series, that I used to enjoy reading stories from the old testament because everyone died in exciting ways, virtual reality games, that through it makes me feel a bit like I’m taking advantage of him or being a bad feminist, I do sort of like it when guys offer to pay on dates, how I always psyh myself up for my birthday and it always sucks, how I’m always the one who goes out and plans adventures or vacations and has to try to convince people to go with me and make promises I can’t keep, unrequited love, the way I always seem to think I’m this great enigma people are watching and trying to figure out but in actuality no one really cares, line dancing, when people who don’t drink or eat meat try to make you feel guilty because you do (to be clear, I have no problem with most vegetarians, vegans or teetotalers), 12 year old know-it-alls, 9 to 5, people who write off things they’ve never done because they don’t fit their images of themselves, having to go to sleep.

Still here?

There are many more things I hate and love, I just can’t remember them all. I wish whenever you met a new person they would hand you a list like this and stand there patiently while you read it. I think we’d all get along much better. Or have much more exciting or vitriolic fights because you’d only have to meet someone once to gather enough fuel to compound your arguments and insults. Either way, I think I’d like that.

Riffing on Ginsberg

Night is about artificial lights, town facades, and fast moving cars, all moving and breathing,
drunk with the magic of going somewhere, wandering away from home
Amusement parks and movies are about forgetting and being lost,
like children, fools in supermarkets, moving in circles
Listening to music is about lying back and spinning, trying to sleep
pretending to be dead rock stars,

glitter, vinyl, dark hollowed eyes
Loneliness is about voices and words, passing by saying unclear things
empty verses dripping metal, rust, smoke
Direction is about looking for a place to stop going,
something you will need to learn
The floor is about waking up and remembering where you were
ashes, dirt, splinters, learning, drinking, wishing, reading
Wind is about the words again, smothering in a haze of frivolous things,
the ashtray where ideas drown in dreck;
mortgages, taxes, lines, lessons, compassion, charity, entertainment, gossip,
kids; i.e. narcissism.
Life is about war and steps, clomping boots and breaking
papers, televisions, cassettes,
bombs and boxes, books and spiritual guidance from an ad selling cigarettes
Lily is about button downs and lipstick, pens and plagiarism,
writing and sleeping, saying only what everyone else has said,
Today is about the morning after,
when the intellectuals and fasinators and famous drunks have aged and died or otherwise gone away
What is there left?
Is it about dressing like an outlaw, writing ballads about imagined journeys and brawls in bars?


Josie: "You wonder if what you know is only there because you know it. If everything will be still be the same or if tomorrow, when you wake up, you'll talk of things you remember, but they won't be true anymore. They may not have actually happened. So I never talk about anything that happens, anything important that I know, because I don't want to look stupid or crazy for knowing what I know."